


I really want to love this world

by Crysy



Series: Together, forever. [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25262593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crysy/pseuds/Crysy
Summary: His world feels cloudy and grey, not a touch of light is brought in, not a single sign of life is present. The mask he wears everyday is starting to fade, showing the world his constant yearning for the sweet release of death. He sees it, he knows that there are people who’ll shed tears for him when they see him in a casket, he’s trying so hard. But the mind doesn’t listen. Kuroo Tetsurou wants to die.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: Together, forever. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830193
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	I really want to love this world

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ WHAT I HAVE TYPED OUT HERE.
> 
> A prologue to “Plucked Roses”, but can also be read independently, Italics are either for emphasis or flashbacks. 
> 
> Right, gotta put this out there. Kuroo has depression in this fic. So big trigger warning to anyone with depression or other mental illnesses. I did some research on the topic but I know my fic will have some inconsistencies here and there and I promise I am NOT here to offend or trigger anyone. Also definitely not to make fun of mental illnesses.
> 
> Please, please, please, seek help if you are suffering from any form of mental illness. Whether it's a family member, friend, or professional help. Mental illness is not a choice, it is an illness. And it is and should be taken as seriously as any other form of sickness. I am in no way trying to romanticize mental illness, or undermining it. If you feel that this is either triggering to others who suffer from mental illnesses or offensive, please just state it in the comments nicely, I will try my best to either edit it so that it has a more accurate representation OR I will delete this entire work. 
> 
> Now if you're okay after reading this, please proceed and leave comments so that I can improve on my future works. :)

He puts on a façade everyday, tricking everyone with his silly antics because it’s the social norm. No one wants to interact with a gloomy 20-year-old college student, they want the sociable, enthusiastic clown. And he delivers. Forcing the brightest, most disgusting smile on his face when someone makes a joke, going out for karaoke sessions with “friends”, eating lunch and being a typical drunk college kid. And inside, Kuroo Tetsurou wants to die.

* * *

Kuroo does _not_ have depression. He doesn’t feel unmotivated to do anything. Homework still gets done on time, projects still get submitted before their deadlines, volleyball is still an enjoyable hobby. Bokuto and Akaashi are still fun to hang out with. He still smiles everyday. It’s impossible. He does not have depression.

* * *

Tsukishima sees it. Tetsurou’s homework being thrown aside, projects being left undone. Tetsurou skipping volleyball to lie in bed, staring at the wall for what feels like eternity to Tsukishima, his forced smiles whenever Bokuto and Akaashi are around. The shirts Tetsurou used to fit perfectly in being too oversized now, the pills in his drawer, along with letters and razor-sharp blades stained with dried blood. Tsukishima sees it all. And it breaks his heart, to see the love of his life curled up in the small corner of their apartment, legs to his chest, racking with silent sobs.

At night, Tetsurou clings on to Tsukishima for hours on end. No tears are spilled, no words have to be said, they just lie on their shared bed, hugging each other. Tsukishima cannot understand, he cannot truly grasp what Tetsurou is feeling, all he can do is hold Tetsurou in his arms. That’s all he can do.

* * *

Kuroo feels guilty.

He knows Bokuto and Akaashi are worried for him, knows their questions are just out of concern. But he couldn’t help but lash out at them, because he does not have depression, and he never will. The owl duo begrudgingly left the apartment, Bokuto’s “We’ll be back Kuroo!” echoed in the now-silent apartment. He felt a tug at his sleeve.

“Want to talk about it?”

Kuroo shook his head. He doesn’t want to discuss this. Not with him. He’s the only one who’s there for Kuroo. He won’t accept it, he won’t stay, he won’t be there for him anymore, he won’t-

Kuroo was pulled into a hug. It’s warm, welcoming, and it’s all that Kuroo needed. The familiar presence of the person he loved, the gentle rubs on his back, the whispers of “I love you” leaving traces of him in Kuroo’s mind, everything felt right. But wrong. It felt like perfection, but a perfection that Kuroo doesn’t deserve. What right did he have to be feeling this empty? His life wasn’t particularly miserable in any way. What right did he have to be clinging onto his lover, miserably weeping? What right did he have to live?

Kuroo feels guilty.

* * *

On Sundays, they visit the nearby rose garden, a ten-minute walk away from their apartment. It’s usually filled with tourists taking pictures of the lovely scenery, or locals flocking around enjoying the roses in full bloom. But today, it was almost empty, save for the gardener. They strolled around, admiring the multi-coloured roses that lay at their feet.

“They look beautiful today too, don’t they? I don’t know how they do it, always making sure these roses are blooming everyday, almost like they’re alive. Aren’t you curious about how they stay so fresh, Tetsurou?”

“They’ll wilt one day, won’t they? Just like humans.”

A silent pause.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ll be here, you know? You can talk about it."

"No."

"You’re worried, right? That I’ll leave.”

“Please don’t. Don’t say things that you don’t mean.”

“But I mean them. I’m here, and I’ll always be here. You can trust me, I won’t leave.”

Kuroo looked down, staring at the plethora of roses. He stayed silent, Tsukishima did the same, never uttering another word. Time passed as Kuroo continued to watch the roses, never taking his eyes off them.

“What if I wilt?”

The air bemoaned, and Kuroo looked straight at Tsukishima in the eye, expecting an answer from him. The answer was simple.

“I’ll wilt along with you.”

* * *

“Kei.”

It’s been so long since Kuroo uttered Kei’s name that it felt foreign on his tongue, which made him feel more guilty than ever.

Looking back, Kei was always there for him, Kuroo never had to ask him for help, never had to plead to him. Kei was always there. Encouraging him to finish at least that last part of his homework, making sure any projects due was done, even going so far as to forge Kuroo’s handwriting on work that was incomplete and to learn those topics himself in order to help the older boy.

_“It’s not a big deal, I get a head start on new topics anyways.” Kei would say, clearly struggling on a specific question that Kuroo, in normal circumstances, would solve easily. But he was currently in bed, lacking the willpower to even mutter a “thank you” to his beloved Kei._

Kei was the one who would come home to Kuroo skipping volleyball practice. The Kei a few years ago would berate him for lying down in bed instead of sweating on the gymnasium court that resided in Nekoma High. But now, having known what Kuroo went through on a daily basis that even Kuroo himself did not, Kei would text Kuroo’s volleyball coach about Kuroo being unable to attend. He would then make a hot honey lemon drink, _but not too hot, Kuroo likes it close to lukewarm_ , before settling in bed with him, cuddling him and whispering sweet affection into Kuroo’s ears.

Kei would notice the fake smiles Kuroo was giving Bokuto and Akaashi, and would sit beside Kuroo, one hand over his shoulder and the other on his thigh, head resting on his shoulder. He would occasionally hum in agreement, or nod his head to acknowledge a snide remark that came out of Akaashi’s mouth. But more then that, Kei would make sure that Kuroo felt his warmth, giving gentle rubs and whispers that sounded like nothing but love.

Kei would make light but filling meals for Kuroo, ensuring that he was as contented as he could be. The night Kei found out that Kuroo puked out all his meals after consuming them, they hugged each other so tight that he thought Kei’s body would snap in half. Kuroo’s muffled sobs echoed in the house and Kei was soothing him to the best of his abilities. After that, Kei made sure that Kuroo didn’t puke any meal that he consumed, taking care of him so well that Kuroo would tear up at times.

Kei was the one who found out Kuroo was cutting himself. Instead of rejecting him like his family did, Kei only held him tighter, never once letting go and was always there for him. Eventually, he managed to stop cutting, and even threw the blade that stuck with him since day one in the garbage bin. Although, he would never tell Kei that he still cuts himself occasionally, unable to resist the underlying temptation that was too overwhelming for him to bear. Kuroo’s still sorry for that, so sorry that he’d kill himself for it.

Kei was there. And Kuroo never saw it, would have never saw it. Until today, when he jolts up from a endless nightmare at 3am. He was fiddling around for something sharp _, I just need to pierce my skin,_ when his hand came in contact with Kei’s skin. It was so cold. Kei’s skin felt like it could freeze Kuroo to death, which would be nice, dying in his lover’s arms. But nevertheless, it shocked him. Why was Kei so cold?

Then it dawned upon him.

Kuroo is a blanket hogger. Kei was facing him, but his body was exposed to the cold temperature of the night. A wave of guilt rushed over Kuroo and it made him realize what exactly Kei had done for him.

What right did Kuroo have to be in such a “depressed” state? Kei was going through even more than him.

What right did Kuroo have to constantly cling onto Kei as if he wasn’t a burden to his lover? Kei wouldn’t be sick of him - _"I'll never be sick of you, so don't you dare mention it again” -_ but it would nonetheless take a huge toll on him.

What right did Kuroo have to live? Nothing.

So why was he still alive and filled with the warmth that he stole from Kei?

* * *

Tsukishima notices the amount of attention Tetsurou is giving him, taking him out on sudden dates, getting him presents, purposely going shopping to get Christmas presents for every friend he knew even though the holidays were half a year away. It was weird, to say the least. It wasn’t that he hated this side of Tetsurou, it was that Tetsurou would have never bounced back up this fast. The Tetsurou he knew would always take his time to recover.

“ _So that it’ll be a long time before I burden you again” Tetsurou whispered one night while they were staring longingly into each other’s eyes._

He knew something was wrong, felt it in his bones. But he couldn’t pinpoint what exactly felt off, he just knew that something was about to go terribly wrong, and that he may spend the next few nights puking because of the gut-wrenching feeling that was too inordinate for him to handle.

For once, and only once in his life, he prayed to the Almighty, that Tetsurou would be safe.

* * *

Kuroo sent out the letters, made sure that Kei didn’t suspect a thing, got presents for everyone he knew and sent them out along with those letters. “An Early Christmas” was written on each and every letter, followed by a personal letter, the length depending on how close he was to the recipient.

Bokuto’s letter was exceptionally long, full of their dumb but exhilarating escapades back when they were 16 and free. Akaashi’s wasn’t as detailed, but still filled with gratitude to the ex-Fukurodani setter for dealing with Bokuto’s and his rowdy and almost immature attitude. Kenma’s was also written with all the effort he could muster. It was about how he was thankful for Kenma, being his first friend and how Kenma stood by him despite everything.

Kei’s. He never thought that Kei’s would be the easiest to write. Kuroo assumed that it would take ten drafts to complete just a paragraph of what he was going to write, but surprisingly he completed it in one draft. That wasn’t to say that Kei didn’t matter. In fact, Kuroo was sure that he would kill anyone who dared question Kei’s importance to him. The letter was long. Well, that was the understatement of the century. Kuroo had to use three pieces of paper and label them “Part one to three” in order to convey what he wanted to say to Kei. And he never sealed the envelope the letter was placed in, because everyday he had something new to add to it. Either he forgot to add a memory, or he had a new incident to write about.

When he finally dared to seal the envelope, the letter had 5 parts to it, which wasn’t surprising to Kuroo, he half-expected it to be longer but was proud of his work anyways. Today. Today was the day. Kuroo had expected himself to be nervous, scared, freaking out. But he was calm, numb to his senses, as if nothing mattered and that everything was fine. The feeling scared him a little.

He was going to take his life.

Somehow, it felt like a fairytale. Except Snow White doesn’t wake up, staying lifeless for eternity, never meeting her prince. Kuroo wasn’t Snow White. He had met his prince. Kei was in his life. But as much as Kuroo tried for the past 20 years of his life to live, everyday was getting harder and harder. He was tired.

_I’m so fucking sorry. Kei, I never wanted to leave you alone. I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I hate myself for it. Because maybe, just maybe, you could’ve found someone else who would’ve meant the world to you. Maybe I stole your future too early, making empty promises that I could never keep. I’m so fucking sorry, but just let me be selfish for today. Just today. Then I’ll let you find someone else who can be a better lover than I was. Who can pamper you and shower you with love that I could never give._

_I’ll make a last promise to you that this time, I’m sure I can keep. If we ever meet after death, if there truly is an Afterlife, I promise I’ll treasure you forever. I promise I’ll take care of you like a real lover. And that I won’t be selfish ever again and let this contaminated mind of mine consume me. I love you. I love you, Kei. I’m sorry._

Kuroo lay down in their shared bed, once filled with warmth and joy between the both of them. Took the bottle of pills that had too many for him to count, held them in the palm of his hand.

And _consumed._

* * *

_Barely a minute in, Kuroo felt his eyelids go heavy. Instead of helplessly struggling against the unsettling feeling in his gut and his mind screaming at him to puke, **puke,** he relaxes, allows his eyes to close, with the dizzying awareness that he’ll never wake up ever again. In his hands was Kei’s Christmas present, a beautiful necklace with pendants of a cat and a crow – their symbols – that lay in a red-coloured jewellery box, along with the envelope that housed the five-page letter. Decorated with moon drawings and the title “To Kei: An apology and a promise.”_

_Kuroo Tetsurou wants to die._

_And now, he did._

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, if you're suffering from any form of mental illness, PLEASE seek help from anybody that you can deem reliable and trustworthy. Friend, family, professional, these are some people that you can turn to and I'll say this again. Mental illness is NOT a choice.
> 
> My brain went "Hey I have an idea. How about you write a fic before your Additional Mathematics test instead of studying?" and I went "Good idea!" But seriously, don't follow in my footsteps.
> 
> Basically the idea was "Kuroo focuses on everything but Tsukishima, because in a way Tsukishima is Kuroo’s escapism, where he lets out his true personality and his emptiness. The world is unaccepting, he has to keep up that façade no matter what, so he focuses on everything as it’s the only way to convince himself that he isn’t depressed. But when he snaps out of it, Tsukishima becomes his reality instead, a kind one, but not enough to end his misery." If you'll spend time re-reading this fic with this idea in your head it'll be greatly appreciated! You don't have to though aaa one read is enough to touch me already.
> 
> Leave comments so I can improve on my work. :D


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